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Ever wonder what happened to Alby?  No?  You didn't care?  At all?  Well neither did we.  In the summer of 2005 we were able to piss Alby off enough where he ran away.  Naturally not only did we not care we didn't notice.  That is of course until we started receiving strange letters from Alby usually accompanied with a picture.  There were a few times when we would randomly find pictures of Alby floating on the internet.  There has also been random instances of people who have seen Alby who have sent in pictures of Alby.  The last known letter from Alby was received in September of 2005 so we are assuming he's dead though as stated previously we have received various photographs from various people of "recent" Alby sightings but with no letter we are to assume that these photographs are fake.  Please help us find Alby.  Well not really, but if you see him and confirm he's not dead after all please tell him he owes us money.

June 22, 2005 5:06 AM

This is the last time any of us saw Alby.  Well maybe that should be rephrased.  This is the last time we noticed, or really cared, that Alby was around.  This was taken right after 174 former students were released from the local YMCA after being stuffed in there for ten hours for an all night after graduation party.  Alby bummed a ride home off of Jay and ended up falling asleep in the car.  After being awake for about twenty-four hours Jay wasn't in the best state of mind and when Alby fell asleep he thought he was dead.  Fearing he would be blamed for Alby's death he pulled over to the side of the road and threw into a nearby river and sped off.

June 24, 2005

Jay received an unmarked letter on this day.  Hoping it was candy he opened it only to find nothing but a lame letter that read as follows:

Dear Asshole,

Words can not describe how pissed off I am for you throwing me into the river at 5 in the morning.  We were less than twenty feet away from my house and you just had to have one last prank on me didn't you?  Well let me tell you something jackass, I'm not taking crap from anyone anymore!  As I write this letter I am packing up my personal belongs and am going to travel the world.  I will only return home on one condition.  Every time I settle at a new place I'm going to send you a picture.  If you can guess where I am and post my location on our stupid website then I will come home and give you $5.  Until then you can lick my balls.

I hope you rot in hell,

Alby

Naturally Jay was very upset when he realized there was no candy inside of the envelope so he did the only thing any rationale person would do after receiving a letter with no candy, burn the letter.  Jay was going to Canada in a few days anyway and could really care less of some Alby impostor not sending him candy (because Jay was still under the impression Alby was dead).  The day before Jay went to Canada he received another letter accompanied by a picture.

June 28, 2005

Dear Asshole,

I hope you and the other assholes are worried about me.  I really hate where I am right now.  It's the beginning of summer and it's still cold!  I hate the God damned cold!  But it doesn't matter because on my way here I was able to steal this real cool hat off a Canadian.  I don't know where I'm going to head to next but once I get there I'll tell you where I was when I wrote this letter.  Just remember if you post my location on our stupid website I'll give you $5.

If only I could send you frostbite through the mail,

Alby

After seeing the picture Jay was surprised that Alby was in fact Alive and was more surprised that Alby now owned a top hat.  Seeing as Canada was more important than trying to figure out where Alby was he told the USPS to forward any mail addressed to him from outside of the United States to Dan.

July 2, 2005

No letter was received on this date.  However while Jay was in Canada he was watching the Live 8 concerts from around the globe and while the concert in Germany was going on waiting for Green Day to come Jay was horrified to see Alby amongst the crowd.  Hoping there was something in the water he quickly called Dan who turned on the television to confirm it was inded Alby.  When Jay got back he and Dan searched relentless hours, ok like 5 minutes, to find if there was a snapshot of Alby floating around the internet.  They had not luck but in early August of 2005 this picture was sent in by a concerned Alby fan who had also been in Germany for its Live 8 concert.

July 12, 2005

Dear Assholes,

I'm saying assholes because I'm sure by now Jay has started to burn my letters which is why I'm sending this letter out to all of my so called "friends."  Jesus Christ you guys, two weeks go by and you never figured out where I was?  My God you guys are stupid!  Even stupider than I thought!  I was in Greenland in the last picture I sent!  Oh well I get to keep the $5 for now!  I would just like to rub it in all of your faces that I managed to sneak into some giant kick ass concert on my way to my new location, which guess what?  It's freaking cold here too!  What the hell?  Why cant I find any place warm?  Oh well I'm starting to run out of money anyway and can only travel for so much longer until I have to come home.  I know how much you guys want $5 so if I manage to find a computer in this frozen craphole I'll be checking our stupid website, no, your stupid website (I quit jackasses) for you to announce where I am.  Unless you're too stupid to figure it out again.

I hope all die from the plague,

Alby

We were all surprised that Alby took the time and effort to hand write the same letter to all of his former friends, especially since we had a giant bonfire the next day and burnt the letters and pictures he sent us as seen below.

It's not that none of didn't want the $5 it was just that the longer we didn't give an answer on the website the longer Alby would stay away from us and that in itself is priceless.

July 15, 2005

Dear Assholes,

All right, all right maybe I wasn't fair to you guys leaving Siberia so quickly but it was so God damned cold!  Anyway I decided to get on a boat and head to where I am now.  On the boat I met this really cool guy named Felipe, who you can see in this picture with me.  Felipe's been really cool to me so far.  He's been buying me cool things and food.  He said if I'm willing to become his new best friend he's going to introduce me to his friend who goes by the name of Hot Carl.  I can't wait!  All right well Felipe is going to bring me to get my top hat cleaned.

Felipe is cooler to me than you guys ever were,

Alby

We seriosusly had a good laugh about this one.  It was really apparent that Alby didn't know what he was getting himself into.

July 18, 2005

Dear Assholes,

Yeah I'm sure you guys wish I was spending more than three days in places so you jackasses have time to receive my letters.  Since I'm such a nice guy and Felipe is buying everything for me now, like this kick ass new jumpsuit, I'm going to up the stakes to $10 because I change my location so frequently now.  Hey I'm sorry but Felipe really wanted to come here.  Don't you think that the top hat cleaners in Japan did a real kick ass job at cleaning my top hat?

If only you guys would curl up and die from AIDS then I could truly be happy,

Alby

Even though we didn't care too much prior to this letter this one really made us stop caring about Alby.  He was just sending us too many letters at once.  

July 25, 2005

Dear Assholes,

Long time no write.  Felipe really liked South Korea so that's why we stayed there longer than we did Japan.  We would spend countless nights throwing stuff at the North Koreans.  That is of course until the US government stepped in and accused us of being terrorists.  Luckily we escaped them but now we're on the run.  If you noticed in this picture my eyes are closed, that's because Felipe was in the middle of giving me a surprise gift.  I never got a surprise only the strange feeling that a pinky toe was in my ass and Felipe started to make adorable squealing noises.  When he finally let me open my eyes there was some sort of brown juice all around me that Felipe was licking up.  He said that a passer by dropped some duck sauce on me and a package somehow got stuck up my ass.  Oh well.

I'm beginning to think there's something not right about Felipe,

Alby

We all threw up a little bit in our mouths after reading this letter.

August 12, 2005

Dear Assholes,

I woke up this morning and not only was my ass mysteriously hurting again but that son of a bitch Felipe left me in this shithole of a hotel in this shithole of a country only with this picture of me in the window that he took with his Polaroid shortly after we arrived.  On top of that I think the bastard stole my wallet and top hat too!  Great just great, now how am I supposed to get home?  If you guys figure out where I am, because I have no clue, once and if I find a computer in this God forsaken place I'll check your stupid website so I can figure out how to get home.  Please try and figure out where I am quickly, I hate it here and want to come home!

I never thought I would say this but I miss you guys,

Alby

Not only did we not know where Alby was we didn't care.  We held a meeting and figured since Alby was stupid enough to get himself into this mess he had to get himself out of it.  A few weeks later we received a photo of a fan living near New Orleans who was currently housing Alby as seen below.

August 27, 2005

After what happened the following day in New Orleans we figured Alby was a goner and thus thought this would be the last reported Alby sighting.  We were actually concerned for a few days and asked around if anyone knew where Alby was.  Ok so we didn't but we thought about doing that and that's got to count for something.  Regardless this is the last time we know of a definite location of where Alby has been so I guess technically the caption is still true that this is the last reported Alby sighting.  Though we did receive another letter about two weeks later.

September 13, 2005

Dear Assholes,

Thanks a lot for not looking for me the entire summer and thanks a lot for not even attempting to rescue me from Louisiana.  As you can see I'm back home, hell I'm even hanging out with you guys so you can stop trying to find me now.  Here's a hint where I am, Dan's pointing to me!  How much of a clue do you jackasses need?  I'm not longer giving anyone the $10 I promised especially since that Felipe son of a bitch stole my wallet.

God do I hate you guys,

Alby

It was like a secret code Alby was trying to write to us in with this letter.  We were even more confused about his location than when he was apparently stuck in the Congo.  It would take us until Christmas time for any of us to hear from Alby again.

December 26, 2006

Dear Dan,

Thank you for the Christmas gift.  It's apparent that you are the only who still cares about me and acknowledges my existence.  Everyone else doesn't seem to notice me.  Hell I was at that stupid little Christmas party with the rest of those jackasses and even made it into several dozen photographs and they still can't find me!  God do I hate them.  Thanks a lot for the gift.  Since you gave it to me on the 22 I've been clasping it while crying before I fall asleep.

Hope you had a Merry Christmas,

Alby

How could Dan give Alby a Christmas gift if no one knew where he was?  Alby is such a liar.  If he ever shows up alive he should have his ass kicked.  Regardless of the well known fact that Alby needs a good ass kicking this is the last letter anyone has received from him.

June 16, 2006

We can not confirm or deny the authenticity of this photograph.  It was sent to us by a group of high school students who were fund raising at a local bowling alley.  What Alby would be doing at a bowling alley is anyone's guess.

December 1, 2006